This & That

Calm,

Peace,

Tranquil.

This what I wanted right now. 

 

Mixed up,

Jumbled up,

Messed up. 

That what can I describe my situation right now.

 

I pray for the sign,

To ensure what I feel it right.

You provide me the sign.

But which one shall I follow?

This or That?

 

This - where he came to me,

That - where he left me,

Mixed up right?

 

I seek for your help,

To forget if he’s not meant for me.

You provide me the help,

But which one shall I follow?

This or That?

 

This - where I stop to hoping,

That - where he keep on popping.

Jumbled up is it?

 

I ask for the answer,

To be enlighten with the decision.

You provide me the answer,

But which one shall I follow?

This or That?

 

This - where I start to disappear,

That - where he keep on appear,

Messed up enough?

 

Now I know,

You’ve made your decision,

To be with the one you confident,

Thanks for the moment that previously given,

I pray for your best and your happiness,

So long to you and thank you for all,

It is the time for me to rest my case.

Ode to You

Every morning I see your face,
And for that fleeting second I'm in a different place,
A place where we smiled, laughed, and talked,
A place where we could be side by side wherever we walked,
I'm reminded of this each and every day.
Then the sleep clears and it's all blown away.

Realization sets in and I'm all alone.
I quickly have to check my phone
In case you've called or sent me a text.
Then it hits harder as what come next
Is the empty screen with your smiling face
And the emptiness of this forsaken place.

I wither up inside as all my hopes disappear
And the burn in my heart really starts to sear.
I sink back in my bed and think of you
And wonder if there's anything I can do.
I am knocked back every time I try to get through,
And now the decision is up to you.

Leave me out here in the cold and the rain,
Leave me to choke on the tears and the pain,
Missing you every minute of every day,
Loving you more and more in my way.
One day, my love, this will all be like a dream.
I just hope we can dream it together in our place so serene.

~ adapted from poem by Carl Sinclair 

Saudade

Pernahkah kau rasa seakan dunia ini tidak adil? Pernahkah kau rasa seperti putus harapan? Semua disekeliling menentang kau? Semua harapanmu kian punah? Bertenang wahai diri! Kau tidak akan diuji dengan ujian diluar kemampuanmu. Tidak ada orang didunia ini yang tidak mempunyai masalah. Bertabahlah! Hidup ini semestinya penuh dengan ujian dan cabaran. Kau harus bijak menanganinya. Jika jalan buntu yang kau temui, bertenang! Tarik nafas, hembus. Atur langkahmu dengan cermat. Corak perjalananmu dengan akal cerdikmu. Kau terasa seperti ingin lari dari semuanya? Kau ingin elak dari hadapi dugaan itu? Larilah, elaklah! Tapi janganlah kau lupa untuk kembali, kembali menempuh semua dugaan dan masalah itu. Tempuhlah ia dengan dirimu yang lebih kuat dan tabah. Biarlah kasih mereka disekeliling terhadapmu hilang, namun jangan sekali kau hilang kasih terhadap dirimu sendiri. Kasihmu sendiri sudah memadai untuk memimpinmu harungi semua dugaan dan pancaroba di dunia ini. Ingat! Jika kau rasa seperti sekelilingmu menentangmu, pasti ada yang masih menyokongmu. Semoga kau yang hari ini lebih baik dari yang semalam dan kau yang esok lebih cekal dari kau yang sekarang. Semoga tabah! 

Pesan hati kepada hati -db

A day in history!

Greetings!

I need to post this. I need to create this content. Just for the sake of my memory. I ran from home last weekend! Yes, on Saturday, 20 June 2020. Why? Because I need it. I need my own space. I need my own time. I have been surviving for months letting people hurts my self, my feeling. But last weekend, I couldn’t stand it anymore. Of course I let my besties know about my last minute plan. Just to ensure they will not being blamed for my disappearance cause I was about going back home actually after hanging out with them. On my way back, something happened; so I call them and explain the situation to them. Asking for their opinion and advice. I’m glad they understand me well. One thing that I remembered they said was ‘if this can open their eyes, just go. But let us know wherever you reach’.  Hence, a day in dayangbedt life’s history. 24 hours run from home! Hah!

Living with the new norm

Ola peeps! 

Currently most people are getting used with the new norm because of the pandemic. Mask up, sanitised here and there, line up, register before enter etc. But, for me, I do have another new norm in my life. Here what it is:

• Sleep early! Or else I can’t sleep at all, waking in the middle of the night due to pain is normal. 
• Eat painkiller pills! With a hope the pain will reduce although normally it won’t. 
• Endure the pain! Acting like there is no pain at all so that people won’t worry about me. 
• Adjusting posture! Don’t sit or stand too long, the pain will get strong. 
• Exercise on! Just to keep the leg muscle fit to perform daily route. 
• Weekly physio! So the therapist will reminds me my exercise routine and keeping track on my condition. 
• Meet doctors! To keep on stock of my medicine and ointment. 
• Use comfy shoes! Flat shoes only, no heels are allowed or faced the consequences.  
• Keep the pace! Don’t run including the baby run, walk at the acceptable pace or I’ll hurt more.

How I miss my old active lifestyle. I miss going hiking, jogging, playing bowling and netball. Nevermind then, just adapt with the new norm of my life! For a better health! 

dayangbedt :)

xxx

 Hello peeps! 

 

People keep advising me to do the medical check up, to meet doctor. But I don't have courage to do so.

Why? Because I'm afraid of the result. I'm afraid I can't accept the result. Life is a gamble. I choose to going through this pain rather than seeking for help. Gambling much is it? Everyday I faced the same pain. From the back to the bottom of my leg. Aches, sore, numbness. Consuming painkiller also doesn't help in reducing the pain. I don't want sympathies from people around me. I don't want to look weak in front them. So, I rather keep my happy face and pretend I’m alright. Just fine. Actually I have been to doctor last year. But now I gave up! I see lots of my acquaintance fighting with their pains in this young age, cancer mostly. That's what makes me afraid. I don't have the courage to face the result. So, it is better for me to not knowing it. I'll fight in my own way. But last night, the pain worsening. I’ve been to physio on the afternoon, the therapist advices me to review back with doctor as my condition was worsening. Hence, I go to the emergency department and straightly being admitted in the yellow zone. Fuck life! They gave me painkiller thrice but the pain still there. Going through some procedure including x-ray. Waiting for hours and hours. Lastly, I just pretend I’m fine in front the doctor and finally she discharged me. Same old me, hate waiting and keep pretending. Haha! -db

Random #03

 

“Serendipity has bring us together.

Fate has tear us apart. 

Luck is what we seek. 

Faith is what we need.”

Finding the answer

Finding and keep on finding,

Seeking and keep on seeking,

Asking and keep on asking,

Wondering and keep on wondering.

I think I have found the answer,

The answer that I’ve been searching for,

But I am afraid yours might be differ from mine,

Thus I keep on pondering again,

Is it the answer then?

Have faith in Him, 

He does know what the best for his servant.

Insha Allah. 

A song that reminds me of me

SHE USED TO BE MINE - Sara Bareilles

:: She Used to be Mine :: - link to hear it, if you wonder

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Is it real?

Denying and keep on denying,

That is the best that I can do,

Although it hurts my self,

I rather going through this,

Cause I am afraid of the consequences,

or maybe the answer,

Do you feel the same as me,

Or it just the feeling in me,

Hence the best is to keep us apart,

And breaking the contact between us. 

Zing!

You..

You do give me zing!

From the first time we met,

But I keep on denying it,

Cause I think it is unreal. 

 

I dislike to be in this situation,

The more I try denying it,

The more I couldn’t resist,

Shall I give a try?

Hence there I started to loosen up for you,

I knew I shouldn’t do it,

All of sudden there goes the farewell in a bit,

I thought I’ll be okay with it,

But strange the feeling are still there,

Growing and keep on growing,

Blooming and keep on blooming,

I have been praying and praying,

So that I can forget you if this just a fling,

But you came stronger in my mind,

And also in my every night dream,

Calling my name with a silly smile on your face,

The image that I cannot erase from my mind,

It is a torture to my heart,

Now I haven’t spent a day without thinking about you,

Are you the one then?

Dream

 

dream

/driːm/

- a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

- a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

 

“She wanted to fly up in the sky.
With big dreams in her eyes and passion in her mind...
She never looked back; she never looked down.
She kept on walking, even on a rocky ground.
She felt broken and almost gave up midway,
But it was her courage that supported her night and day.
She wanted to share her emotions and feelings
That were making her weak with problem dealings.
She tried to express in thousand ways she found,
But thought it easy to just shut up and lie down.
She never knew those hurdles were making her strong.
She just thought her decision went wrong.
But she continued to take her baby steps...
Toward the dreams she once felt.
With passion in her mind and courage in her heart,
She was again ready to build her own dream art...”

 

I rarely have dream in my sleep, but recently my dreams become weirder and weirder. A bad one or a good one? I think a good sign indeed! Nice positive dreams. What is it? Secret indeed. I can't tell you or any of you. All I can say is 'Allhamdulillah' thank you for the sign.

 

db

#1

It is my first time,

My very first time to love someone,

Never did I knew I’m in love,

Until them; makes me realise it,

I always thought by appreciating others is the correct ways of loving,

Reciprocating others feeling, 

But it is totally wrong!

With you; it is differ,

I don’t have to force nor did I aware,

The feeling came uninvited,

It is odd and very strange indeed,

Just to think about you makes me happy,

Seeing you makes my heart bloom,

Everyday I wanted to know you more and more,

Everyday I look forward for you. 

But it is seems like the surrounding are against me,

Am I wrong to be in love?

If I knew love is hurt,

I would never allow myself to be in it,

Am I regretting it?

No, totally no,

It is a bless to meet you,

But maybe there will be no one after you.

Seasons in my life

SUMMER

 

In summer I knew you,

In a short time I accept you,

Year after year my friends still dislike you,

But instead I still choose you,

Cause I think you will cherish my life,

Suddenly now I have realise,

You were just filling the void in my life.

 

 

WINTER

 

You came to my life in the winter,

Then we became closer,

With you I have started lowering my barrier,

Does it mean I am a loser?

Then the guilty hit me strong,

I knew what I’m doing was wrong,

Now I'm ended at a prong.

 

 

 

AUTUMN

 

 

Autumn where both the dilemma begin,

My life became uncertain,

Which it is hard for me to explain,

I started to ask my self again,

Can I resist the attraction?

Who the one shall I gave my attention?

Do I made the right decision?

 

SPRING

 

Thus here come the spring,

Where I be left in aching,

There goes the crying,

No more fling, ping and zing,

I knew this is the end,

All of it started to bend,

Things that cannot be mend,

No more love; goodbye friend,

Now I just can pretend.

 

 

 

Maybe it is just me,

The unlucky me,

Who do not know how to love,

And to be loved,

Ended up become the heartbreaker,

Thus breaking her own heart.